This is the 4th day this week I've worked and I'm tired. I feel like I haven't spent time with the twins in days. I just got my paycheck and forgot I started having Sofia's pre-school tuituion taken out pre-tax and this cannot be undone. There was a big screw up with making a large payment from the wrong account that has taken a week to fix. I'm looking at how much it costs for us to live comfortably and trying to supress the panicky feeling in my stomach.
I swear. I try so hard to keep it together, but sometimes, despite my best efforts, things just sort of implode.
Due to the cutbacks at work, I now have to adhere to a strict schedule (meaning I have to be on time) which means there can be no dilly dallying in the morning. I have to wake at 6:30 a.m., get ready, wake Sofia at 7:00 a.m. (if she's not already awake) and feed her breakfast, get her dressed and out the door by 7:30. We have a half hour commute, then I drop her off at pre-school at 8ish, stop and get Starbucks (not anymore, obviously) and arriving at work around 8:25 a.m.
I go to great lengths to minimize the dilly dallying in the morning by planning ahead. Lunch is made the night before, coffee is set to auto perk at 6 a.m. (yes, I have home coffee and Starbucks, another one of my addictions) Sofia's clothes have been picked out (by her, or so she thinks) the night before, I have her breakfast (oatmeal and yogurt) ready for her when she wakes up, etc. The past 2 days, the morning routine has worked like a finely tuned machine. This morning, not so much.
It was going so well. Honestly, it was. She cooperated when I got her dressed, let me put her hair in pony tails and even allowed me to have some input on what she was wearing. I was feeling confident.
And then all hell broke loose.
We were just about to leave the house. I have purse, Sofia's lunchbag and keys in hand, we're running a few minutes behind and she asks me where her pink princess phone is.
"I'm not sure, sweetie. We need to go," I naively say.
And then, she gets that look. The look that I know will only be reconciled by my finding the pink princess phone, which is god knows where and we're late and I'm stressed.
She starts to cry, as if this pink phone is the most important item in the universe and she will literally shrivel up and die if she does not have it before we leave. I tell her to look in her room, but it's not there. The clock is ticking. Finally, I firmly tell her we need to leave immediately as mommy is going to be late.
This only fuels her rage. She starts to become hysterical and I know this is going to get worse before it gets better.
Finally, I just give up and tell her I'm leaving without her. This makes her scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" in anger, but I start on my way. She follows me out the door and onto our front porch, screaming and crying the entire time. I keep walking to the car and open the door for her. I try bribing her with a trip to Starbucks, but that only makes her more angry. She's not budging from the porch.
I'm mortified as I just know every neighbor within a half mile radius can hear this scene unfolding. I finally just make like I'm getting in the car without her and she comes running. She fights me the entire time - goes rigid when I attempt to put her in the carseat, kicking, flailing, etc - but I am able to snap her into the carseat and leave for work.
The whole episode has me frazzled and deeply upset. As we drive off, I resort to yelling and screaming at her about how she cannot have everything she wants and how angry I am at her and how she cannot do this in the morning and can't bring toys to school anyway,etc. The more I yell, the harder she cries and the worse I feel. I know I am taking out all of my anxiety and worry on her right now, but I don't stop myself.
In the end, she calms down and I tell her I love her and that I was very angry, but should not have yelled, etc. I hate when I lose my temper. I was raised in an angry household and it's something I struggle with every day. I'm at a loss as to how to deal with these situations when there is a time constraint involved. I've planned ahead, tried to foresee any potential delays, etc. but it still isn't enough at times. Don't get me wrong, I am fairly confident about my parenting skills and my ability to juggle a lot of things, but mornings like this deflate my confidence, make me think I am doing everything wrong and that Sofia is going to turn into a damaged, obnoxious little girl and it's all my fault.
And all this because of a stupid, f'ing pink princess phone.
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3 comments:
Big hugs. How tough. Oh I have been there. You know what you are doing is bad, but you have been driven to the point where you just can't make yourself stop. You are not alone. And she won't be scarred for life because of it. Her life is the sum total, not one experience. Maybe an extra phone that stays in the car?
Oh, poor you. I am late in commenting, but I've been there. She'll be okay. You apologized, whicch is perfect and is something I really struggle with. :(
Or, it's more like you are attempting the impossible - getting out in the morning with 3 young children and no shilly-shallying! If you could do that, you would be a miracle worker!
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