Let Me Be Clear

I’m tired today. I’m tired and I’m cranky. I’m pissed because – for the first time in my life – I bought “age defying” makeup yesterday. I guess it goes with the territory when you are 41, but lately I’ve been noticing the lines, the fact that I always look tired, the aging. And let me be clear. I don’t like it. I knew, even in my 20’s, that I would be one of those women who probably went kicking and screaming into middle age and well - here we are. Granted, I am not in a position to run out and get Botox (although I'd be lying if I said I hadn't pondered the idea) but it seems my aging is just hitting me in the face, no pun intended, no matter how hard I try to ignore it.

I have been sending my resume out to jobs that sound like a great fit and I either don't hear back or am flat out rejected. i.e. a recent job I submitted my resume to...

Experience: Prior experience with business functions in an office environment, strongly desired. Sufficient operating experience with computer systems, special management methods, and facilitating access to and efficient processing of assignments in word-processing and spreadsheet programs. Prior experience with professional office functions including proofreading and editing executive correspondence, desktop publishing and graphics programs, and conducting meetings is desired.”

Hello? That’s me. That’s what I do. That’s what I’ve been doing for over 10 years. But I cannot even spark enough interest for an initial interview. “At this time we want to inform you that you have not been selected for this position” is what I received via email. It makes me want to cry.

I can handle the rejection when I know it’s a job that is out of my comfort zone or would be a stretch (anything accounting heavy) but when the job seems to fit so well, I can’t help but take it ever so personally. The only hiring managers that seem interested in me have been those in the civil service sector, which is great, except that those jobs are extremely rare right now.

I am pissed (and hurt) that my company may let me (their first full time employee) go after 13 years of employment, just like that. I feel like an afterthought. I try not to take it personally, but think back to a time when I was young and cute and how much simpler all this career stuff seemed. It seemed like I had forever to decide what direction I wanted to go and the sky was the limit. Now, I’m not seen as being as focused, driven or ambitious because, quite frankly, how could I be as someone with 3 small children who works a reduced work week? It is what it is, but it still pisses me off.

I know that 50% of this deafeningly silent response is the job market right now, but that leaves 50% of it with me, my job history (which I always thought was great) and too much experience. I have been reading some forums for Executive Assistants and Office Managers seeking jobs and boy, that's enough for me to want to just go jump off a bridge. Seasoned people, looking for months with no results, having to move in with their grown children. The market response seems pretty universal, if you are older than 28, that is. Employers want some experience, but not too much. They want to be able to mold you and I guess if you’ve been at a job for a significant amount of time, it’s pretty obvious you are over 30 and possibly not as moldable. I always thought longevity was a good thing, but now I’m seeing that at some point, it becomes a liability.

I thinking of reworking my resume, yet again and possibly having a professional look at it. I’m not sure what else I can do.

/self absorbed rant.

This was way longer than I anticipated. I realize I sound like a cranky, old broad. In fact, this post was supposed to be a lighthearted post about buying makeup, but obviously it went in another direction.

I’ll get over it. Lost is on tonight, so I can't really stay in a bad mood.

Mommy's So Vain

So, I think last week was the least I have blogged since I have started blogging. For shame! I wasn’t feeling quite myself for the most part. Stressed about money (of course), the future (natch) and the next couple of weeks. Sofia’s birthday party is Saturday (last count, 18 kids, 20 adults) and then a few days later, the surprise Disneyland trip for Sofia and I. (I can’t afford any of this, by the way, but the wheels are already set in motion, so off we go! Fortunately, the Disney trip was already paid for before the job loss, so I'm not too worried about that. The birthday party, on the other hand, is snowballing into wayyyyyy more than I intended.) So, if I’m MIA for a few days, you will know that I am just busy, not giving up on blogging.

First things first. The Wellbutrin seemed to be aggravating my anxiety and I called my doctor in a panic last week, seeking her thoughts on how long I should stick it out before switching back to Zoloft or another med. She talked me down off the ledge, encouraged me to use Klonopin or Xanax when I need to (I do, typically before bed, not in the middle of a work day or SAHM day when I have to be hyper functional) and we both agreed another 10 days of trial would be prudent before giving up on it completely.

Well.

I had noticed that my tummy was getting giggly and thought Hmmmmm. (After having 3 babies in 2 years, 2 of which equaled 13 lbs, I have excessive belly fat. When it deflates a a bit, we call it twin skin.) In any case, my stomach was now becoming less bloated and more saggy and twin skin like. Lovely conversation, I know. In any case, I decided to get on the scale and discovered that I had indeed lost about 10 lbs since the last time I’d weighted myself. Granted, I’ve been walking about 4 days a week, but I haven’t curtailed my eating and drinking too much. Seeing the scale was enough to boost my spirits 20 fold. I decided right then and there that I would continue to take the Wellbutrin if this was the side effect. What’s a minor panic attack once in a while if it equates to weight loss? (I’m kidding. Well, sort of)

Today, one of the most cattiest agents (Teacher Tom) told me my skin looked nice. To a just-about-to-turn-41-year-old-woman, that is the highest compliment you can bestow. And from a gay man? Please, he made my whole week. Thank you, Neutrogena fake tanner. And is it conceited to say that I’ve been having some unprecedented great hair days the past week? Don't answer that.

An unexpected weight loss, skin looking good and some great hair days? Things are looking up!! I am soooooooooooooooooooooo vain. Carly Simon wrote that song about me.

Now, life on the discipline with the kids front is not as hopeful, but I’ll save that for another post.

Slice of Life - Day ? Freaky Wednesday

The scene - my Bathroom, this morning.

I was hastily putting on my makeup, which is the rule more than the exception these days. Sofia is perched on her trike in the hallway, curiously watching me.

"Is that makeup?"

"Yes, sweetie. It is," I replied.

"Can I wear makeup?" she inquired.

"No, little ones don't wear makeup. Just mommies."

She paused, then said. "Someday I'm gonna be a mommy and I'm gonna wear makeup."

I didn't have the time or energy to get into a discussion of whether or not she would be "into" makeup or how you don't have to actually be a mommy to wear makeup, her being barely 3 and all, so replied "Yes, sweetie, you will."

She then paused again. "Tomorrow you be Sofia and I be Mommy!" she announced.

"Tomorrow, eh?" I laughed, thinking of the movie Freaky Friday (the one with Jodie Foster, NOT Lindsey Lohan)

"Yes! Tomorrow."

"Ok," I said "I'll be Sofia." I then proceeded to talk in (my version of) her voice and got her smiling. I realized two things - my daughter does have quite a lisp and I seem to take great pleasure in imitating her. Note to self. Look into cartoon voice-over work.

At this point, she lost interest and disappeared. Her being a toddler and the silence quite deafening, I popped my head out the door to see what she was into. She was in the laundry basket, trying to open an umbrella. I asked what she was doing.

"Taking a shower!" she exclaimed.

Well, of course! How could I have missed that?