Let Me Be Clear

I’m tired today. I’m tired and I’m cranky. I’m pissed because – for the first time in my life – I bought “age defying” makeup yesterday. I guess it goes with the territory when you are 41, but lately I’ve been noticing the lines, the fact that I always look tired, the aging. And let me be clear. I don’t like it. I knew, even in my 20’s, that I would be one of those women who probably went kicking and screaming into middle age and well - here we are. Granted, I am not in a position to run out and get Botox (although I'd be lying if I said I hadn't pondered the idea) but it seems my aging is just hitting me in the face, no pun intended, no matter how hard I try to ignore it.

I have been sending my resume out to jobs that sound like a great fit and I either don't hear back or am flat out rejected. i.e. a recent job I submitted my resume to...

Experience: Prior experience with business functions in an office environment, strongly desired. Sufficient operating experience with computer systems, special management methods, and facilitating access to and efficient processing of assignments in word-processing and spreadsheet programs. Prior experience with professional office functions including proofreading and editing executive correspondence, desktop publishing and graphics programs, and conducting meetings is desired.”

Hello? That’s me. That’s what I do. That’s what I’ve been doing for over 10 years. But I cannot even spark enough interest for an initial interview. “At this time we want to inform you that you have not been selected for this position” is what I received via email. It makes me want to cry.

I can handle the rejection when I know it’s a job that is out of my comfort zone or would be a stretch (anything accounting heavy) but when the job seems to fit so well, I can’t help but take it ever so personally. The only hiring managers that seem interested in me have been those in the civil service sector, which is great, except that those jobs are extremely rare right now.

I am pissed (and hurt) that my company may let me (their first full time employee) go after 13 years of employment, just like that. I feel like an afterthought. I try not to take it personally, but think back to a time when I was young and cute and how much simpler all this career stuff seemed. It seemed like I had forever to decide what direction I wanted to go and the sky was the limit. Now, I’m not seen as being as focused, driven or ambitious because, quite frankly, how could I be as someone with 3 small children who works a reduced work week? It is what it is, but it still pisses me off.

I know that 50% of this deafeningly silent response is the job market right now, but that leaves 50% of it with me, my job history (which I always thought was great) and too much experience. I have been reading some forums for Executive Assistants and Office Managers seeking jobs and boy, that's enough for me to want to just go jump off a bridge. Seasoned people, looking for months with no results, having to move in with their grown children. The market response seems pretty universal, if you are older than 28, that is. Employers want some experience, but not too much. They want to be able to mold you and I guess if you’ve been at a job for a significant amount of time, it’s pretty obvious you are over 30 and possibly not as moldable. I always thought longevity was a good thing, but now I’m seeing that at some point, it becomes a liability.

I thinking of reworking my resume, yet again and possibly having a professional look at it. I’m not sure what else I can do.

/self absorbed rant.

This was way longer than I anticipated. I realize I sound like a cranky, old broad. In fact, this post was supposed to be a lighthearted post about buying makeup, but obviously it went in another direction.

I’ll get over it. Lost is on tonight, so I can't really stay in a bad mood.

Semi Worse Case Scenario

So, despite my imbibing in several margaritas at my office Cinco de Mayo party yesterday, then having to take care of the kids - who were bouncing off the walls - when we returned home (highlighted by David vomiting on me after eating a tamale too fast), I woke up in a great mood this morning.

My mood was short lived.

My boss was called in to corporate. Unexpectedly. I did not - as you can imagine - get a good feeling about this.

Turned out, my anxiety was deserved. She came back to tell me that they had asked her to take a "significant" pay cut and gave her a head's up that if things didn't pick up over the past few months, there was a high likelihood that they'd be closing a few more offices, ours included.

I am certainly not shocked. I've known this is coming for a while now, but still found myself shaking upon hearing this. 3 kids and 2 unemployed parents is something I was hoping to avoid. I drove around for an hour, knowing I had errands to run, but not able to remember any of them - for the life of me.

My husband is being his regular "Glass Half Full" guy - thank GOD for that. It's going to be ok, we're going to be ok, yada yada yada. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I think all of this business is going to accelerate our need to look out of the area for a new job, instead of focusing any effort on this area. It's all going to pan out the way it's supposed to, so no use fretting too much. (Oh, who am I kidding?)

It could be worse. It could be so much worse. Doesn't really help my emotional state right now, but I keep trying to keep some perspective.

Thank god I'm on Wellbutrin, that's all I can really say right now.

Sitting Shotgun

Ok, so here's why I'm so grumpy. Aside from the aforementioned, unexpected menstrual visit.

My husband is lame. He gets these papers from Unemployment, from Cal Cobra and he doesn't read them. He just files them away.

Meanwhile, we have no had no unemployment money coming in since March (and that was after 2 months of delay.) I finally looked all of it over and realized that he needs to fill out the continuing claim form, which he has no recollection of receiving. I have been diligently tracking all the jobs he (that'd be me) applies to so that I can fill out the form properly.

So, you go to the unemployment website and it's just overwhelming. If you try to call, you get a message saying they are overwhelmed and cannot answer any calls, then direct you to the website.

It's enough to make a girl want to cry.

Somehow, I managed to find the freakin' place where one requests a replacement continuing claim form and submitted it.

I am so done with being responsible for everything. I am so done with bitching about being responsible for everything. I have ragged at my husband about this to the point of which even I hate the sound of my own voice, but this is important shit. All of this stuff has so many levels of bureaucracy and time frames and oy-vey. I walked in the room after trying to get a hold of unemployment the other day and he asked me "So what's up?"

"You fucked up, that's what's up."

I'm sick of it. I want him to get a job already. I keep seeing these people living in tent cities and think that is going to be us. I really do. I have all about accepted the fact that we're going to have to move back to the old house come September. We should have moved back and not rented it. I feel like we just keep making bad decision after bad decision. I'm quite frankly, really scared about our future.

And I'm sure many of you are thinking - Why is she doing all of this for her husband? Why can't he do it for himself. My answer to that is - that is a very good question. I don't really have an answer other than to see that by the way he handles the situation (filing important, time sensitive papers that involve creating positive cashflow for his family away instead of reading them and filling them out) one can see why I need to be the one in the driver's seat. I just hate it. I want to sit shotgun for a while.