Monday sucks

Not sure if it's the weaning off Zoloft or what, but am incredibly down today.

Started the day very concerned about David's breathing. Once again, my 5 a.m. visitor came in bed with me and was chatting loudly, so woke the boys. She was telling me in great detail how she saw a shadow but realized it was only her doll highchair, so wasn't scared, that it hadn't "talked" to her as the other shadow had.

At 6 a.m, I got up and got ready for work, vascilating the whole time between staying home and going in. The boys woke around 6:30 a.m. and I immediately took David for his first nebulizer treatment of the day, with him crying and fighting me the whole way. He seemed ok after that, so I decided to go in to work. I had already taken Friday off and with all that is going on in our company, I didn't want to appear as if I just don't care anymore.

It was tough, though. He cried hysterically as I left and I could hear him crying as I got in the car. William, on the other hand, waved goodbye to me from the window. My heart literally broke in half and spilled out on the street as I drove away. Every mom muscle inside me wanted to turn that car around. But I can't. It's a total catch 22. We need good health insurance. For us to have good health insurance, I have to work 30 hours a week. I am lucky that I am given the opportunity to work 30 hours a week and have family to watch the kids, I keep reminding myself of that in moments like this. That said, I cried all the way to work.

As soon as I get to work, my boss tells me we need to meet after the sales meeting. I get this sick feeling in my tummy. During our meeting, I'm informed that we need to cut staff hours, so that means reception will be cut to 4 hours a day. I'm concerned how they will take this news and of course, how this will affect me. I barely want to be here anymore as it is and the way it's looking, I may be required to be a little more flexible with my schedule, required to take on more work, when at times, this is the last place I want to be.

Again, glad to have a job, but at some point very soon, I think I may need to look at all my options for this next year. I feel like I am missing so much with the boys. I feel like David needs me. I'm beyond torn up about this. There has got to be a way I can stay home and still have insurance. I just have to figure it all out. I could join Steve's insurance (Kaiser) but that makes me very nervous. Still, it's an option.

Then again, I'd be giving up contributing to my 401K - which is part of my future solvency. Brutally honest, Steve is 48 years old and there will be a time (hopefully not for many, many, many, decades) that I may be alone with 3 kids. I hate to think like that, but I am a pragmatist.

Oh joy, what a wonderful day.