I love Jott!

I am the post it queen. Honestly, my desk is littered with them. At first glance they appear to be the incoherent scribblings of a crazy person (something I actually have some real experience with) but in actuality, they are in fact, the glue that holds my life together. In the daily comings and goings of life, there isn't always pen and paper handy to catch these gems that pop in and quickly out of my head.

A few months ago, I discovered something that has literally changed my life. It's called JOTT. It's a free service that allows you to call a phone number, speak your message and then receive an email, text or blog post. As most of my profound and valuable thinking occurs when I'm driving, this has become a great help for me to remember the minutae of life that usually slips out of my memory unless I have pad or paper. I simply call the #, tell Jott "Send birthday card" and when I arrive at work or home, there is an email saying "Send birthday card" and a text if I want it as well (although I don't usually use this option - not a big texter)

It really has helped to perpetuate the illusion that I have my act together, so it's A-Ok in my book. I love JOTT!

Crackers and Carseats

Sign #437 that I need to start Weight Watchers...

I had several people complement me on my shirt yesterday, including my husband. I didn't have the heart to tell them it was a maternity shirt from Sofia's pregnancy.

This morning, we went and had the boys' carseats turned forward facing. They were so happy, I don't think they quite know what to make of it yet.

I asked the carseat expert guy if 3 carseats can fit in a CRV and he said the Radian could and possibly the Nautilus. Need to look into that.

Ok, how embaressed was I when they took the carseats out and had about half a cup of cracker crumbs fall all over the ground? I turned beet red and listened as he whisked away the crumbs...and whisked...and kept on whisking...I just looked at him as if to say - Hey, mom of 3 here. Crackers are our life.

*****

Saw Mamma Mia last night. It was fun. Colorful. Uplifting. Did I LOVE it? Eh? I wouldn't go that far, but I'm glad I saw it on the big screen. The scenery was definitely a feast for the eyes and has just elevated my desire to travel to Greece to about the 100th degree. One things's for sure, you had better like musicals if you are going to see it as they break into song every - oh, I don't know - 3 minutes? Meryl is great as is the lead and the other actors, it is just very over the top. I think most people would know that going in, but in case they didn't...

Of course, I got home at 11 p.m. to find a disastrous house, not one toy picked up, not one dish or bottle washed. I was livid. I mean, honestly. The kids were down by 7, Sofia by 8, it would have taken 10 minutes to do the dishes and straighten. So, there I was, doing dishes at 11:30. Not a happy camper was I.

Sofia reading stories to her babies!



3 Little Monkeys!! My Life!

Sofia the Proud Mommy

Sofia reading stories to her babies!



3 Little Monkeys!! My Life!

Perspective

Thanks for the comments, I appreciate the feedback. I put it off until the night before deadline, just like a college paper. I now have 3 months to write the next article, so hopefully it'll be better. :) Also, after going back and forth with the editor, I changed the article to be less about pregnancy loss and the support network and more about my personal journey, but forgot to change the title. So, the title "Lost and Found" really refers to the journey I took and the friends and support I *found* along the way. It was a lot more profound in the first draft, you'll just have to trust me on that one. ;)

I do hope to someday mesh it all together into a bona fide article for publication somewhere. I would love to write a book on having 3 kids under 3. Unfortunately, I don't think I have the necessary amount of perspective on the situation to be writing any parenting books anytime soon. Hopefully, someday. I do, however, feel I have the distance and perspective to write about pregnancy loss and our generation's "dirty little secret", now that I am looking at it from a different place.

***

How I Got Here

Well, I've officially been published. It's a local parent's of twin's newsletter and unpaid, but it's published.

Last year, I wrote an article about having 3 under 3. I think the boys were about 6 months old and I really though I had a handle on things. Oh, I had no idea what was to come, the calm before the storm!!

One of the newsletter coordinators asked if I'd be interested in writing another article, so I thought long and hard about what I'd like to write about. I finally decided to open up and share my journey to motherhood. Not everyone in my "real life" knows about my miscarriages, my use of clomid to conceive or any of the stuff I went through as much of it is kind of taboo, not really talked about.

I was relatively happy with the article, but it really developed into an idea that I had been thinking about for quite some time. Age related infertility and pregnancy loss. Our generation (30 and 40 something's - that is) dirty little secret. There was so much to write about with this, that the editor and I decided to focus on my journey and experience in this article and save the full, more objective article for a later issue. That one will focus on people who have been passengers on the infertility and/or pregnancy loss train.

In the meantime, here is the article that is this month's newsletter. If nothing else, it summarizes my TTC and pregnancy journey for anyone who may be interested to hear how I got here.

Lost and Found

Sofia videos

Sofia makes a letter (possibly an F)



Sofia "reads" the Story of Pinkie Pie
(she insisted on getting a "My Little Pony" book, much to my dismay. She makes me read it every.single.night. Hence, her memorization.)



Sofia makes a grocery list (cracker strawberries)



Buh-bye!!




Future quarterback?

The Boys Say Mahalo!

Summer is half over -- hard to believe!!

I'm a lame-o blogger. Was out of town on a girl's weekend with Sofia and playing catch up at work. I had to carry Sofia up a hill on Saturday and my neck and back are tweaked beyond belief. I need a massage, BADLY.

So the boys continue to be constantly in motion. They are boys, through and through, climbing on everything and everything. No *official* words yet - just a lot of ba-ba, da-da, etc. William does say "Yeahhhhhh!" on occasion, does that count? It's hard not to compare as Sofia was practically having conversations at this age, but I am realistic about the boys' speech development, them being twins and boys and all. I read that twins have their own language, called "idioglossia." You learn something new every day!!

Sofia started swim lessons recently and loves those. Wouldn't you know it? There's 4 kids in the class and another Sofia. I suspect this will be a life long sitch with her and this apparently uber-popular name. Great minds think alike. Also, I signed Sofia up for a free trial of gymnastics next month and wouldn't you know it? Our friends from pre-school with the "other" Sofia are also in the class. Small world!

Here are some photos we recently took while visiting the cousins in Sacramento. It was a completely spontaneous idea (thanks Jessica) and so glad we did it.

Their ages are - William (1.25), Delany (2.5), Aiden (4.5), Sofia (3.25), David (1.25)

The Boys Say Mahalo

Summer is half over -- hard to believe!!

So the boys continue to be constantly in motion. They are boys, through and through, climbing on everything and everything. No *official* words yet - just a lot of ba-ba, da-da, etc. William does say "Yeahhhhhh!" on occasion, does that count? It's hard not to compare as Sofia was practically having conversations at this age, but I am realistic about the boys' speech development, them being twins and boys and all. I read that twins have their own language, called "idioglossia." You learn something new every day!!

Sofia started swim lessons recently and loves those. Wouldn't you know it? There's 4 kids in the class and another Sofia. I suspect this will be a life long sitch with her and this apparently uber-popular name. Great minds think alike.

We recently tackled potty training with Sofia and she handled like a champ. We went cold turkey to panties and that was that, she was PT'ed. That has been about the only easy thing about her lately, however. She's having a bit of a hard time with the boys becoming little people, acting out and being just a real "piaga" with them. We're trying to give her lots of attention, positive reinforcement and time outs (when appropriate, like when she clocks William with a toy) and taking it one day at a time. I keep reminding myself that women have had kids closely spaced together for centuries and lived to tell about it. I will too.

Here are some photos we recently took while visiting the cousins in Sacramento. It was a completely spontaneous idea (thanks Jessica) and so glad we did it.

Their ages are - William (1.25), Delany (2.5), Aiden (4.5), Sofia (3.25), David (1.25)

No More Chocolate For You!

Uhhh...no more chocolate for you!

Introspection

At the suggestion of many who have been down my road and made it back alive, I decided to start reading "Siblings without Rivalry." I'm about 1/4 of the way into it and definitely picking up some useful strategies for coping with Sofia's acting out issues. In the book, the author first asks that you look inside yourself and examine your own sibling rivalries from childhood. Initially, I thought "What rivalries?" It was only my brother and I, the two of us against the world. No rivalriest here. If there was any rivalry or if there was it was probably more of him directing it towards me. When I thought about it a little deeper, I remembered how my brother and I were put in our roles and how hurtful that could be at times. Maybe I did and do have some resentment about his role vs. mine in the family?

If anything, this has made me a little more conscious of putting any of my children in any particular role. Of course, this is nearly impossible as they seem to be sliding into their roles as I write this. Sofia, the boss, William, the bruiser and David, the victim. This parenthood thing is hard. Sometimes, I think the women of previous generations had it so much easier. No self help books, no Google, no anxiety over whether you were doing a good job, lots of support from immediate family, etc. In reality, I know that life was not better then or better now, just different.

Boys will Be Boys?

So this boy thing is completely different from the girl thing. Not sure what it is? The testosterone? Innate desire to climb and throw things? It all sounds so sexist, but I am seeing it unfold before my very eyes. Sofia was such a happy baby, so easy going, so social. She just wanted people to make people smile, to dance, engage, laugh, etc. My boys seem only to want to move, move, move. They want to climb things, throw things, explore things. It's quite interesting.

Their newest conquest is the couch. They have learned how to climb up and down and it takes all I have inside me to not freak out every time. The skull fracture when William was 3 months old incidenthas voided any chances of my having a "Ahhh! Boys will be boys!" attitude. I am always sure they are going to plummet to serious injury at any given moment. I'm working on letting go of that a little. Baby steps. Here they are, navigating the couch.

The perfect storm

I am having all sorts of acting out issues with my daughter. I suspect most of it is just sheer jealousy or her twin brothers. We did great for the first year, some jealousy but nothing out of the ordinary. Sofia has always been an alpha. Put her in a social setting with her peers, she typically has a dominant personality and temperament - first in line to do whatever is required, pretty good at listening to the teacher. Since the boys started walking, it's like all the negative aspects of her alpha personality have intensified 100 times. It's exhausting, disheartening, hurtful, depressing and exhausting, to name a few emotions.

When the boys are not around (napping or asleep) she is your average 3 year old (with a bossy streak). There are moments of frustration for her and us, but overall, she's engaging, fun and sometimes even delightful. When the boys are in the mix, she turns into a spiteful, mean spirited little bully. I realize the strength of those words, but honestly, that is how drastic the difference is. She hits, yells, pushes, doesn't listen, acts out, etc. I realize that all of this is attention-seeking behavior and part of her job as a 3 y.o, but I can't help but think her age, the boys' burgeoning independence and her temperament have created the perfect storm. My problem is how to minimize it. She gets so much attention as it is; I feel that the boys get the raw deal. I am torn between being there to nurture them and spending time coaching her through her emotions. There don't seem to be any easy answers.

I realize that my situation is not the normal sibling relationship, so it makes it hard for most of the parenting books to address the situation and offer specific strategies on how to handle it. I've read so many and I "get" what all of them are saying. It's just incredibly hard to follow through with so much of it due to the mere fact that my husband and I are outnumbered.

I try to make "special" time for my daughter, always, because I so value our Mommy/daughter time. I grew up without a mother, so I don't have a guidebook and only want to make sure she is raised in the most emotionally healthy way (unlike my own upbringing). When I'm at my lowest, I am actually resentful that she doesn't appreciate all that I do for her. I hate even admitting that.

I picked up a few books - Siblings without Rivalry and Toddler 411, so plan on doing some reading. Not sure if it will help but I just feel so out of control and desperately seeking feasible, tested strategies for dealing with this type of situation.

Getting Out

Spent the afternoon at a family gathering, a christening for Sofia's sort of cousin (3 months). We also got to meet her other new sort of cousin, another girl (7 weeks). It was at a house in San Francisco. The boys looked really cute, wish I had my camera working. The house was full of babies - probably 10 ranging in age from 6 weeks to 5 years old, and then a few older kids as well. It was crazy! The boys loved it, but unfortunately, there was a rather steep stairway leading to the yard that was open, so any remote possiblity of my actually sitting down went out the window with that.

Steve and I took turns making sure neither twin escaped our eye and plummetted to serious injury. I remember when Sofia was little, this same stairway was a source of anxiety for me, but it's a lot easier keeping an eye on one toddler than 2. The problem with Steve is he's a man and easily distracted. He'll start chatting, he takes his eye off for one second and that's all it takes. So, I have to constantly make sure he's watching, while I'm chasing after the other twin. I literally need eyes in the back of my head. Naturally, the twins are most drawn like a moth to a flame to the stairs. Of course, Sofia is off on her own during all of this - trying to play ping pong, thinking she's one of the big kids.

The dynamic was interesting in that most of the girls there (friends of my sister in law-in law) are all early 30's with their first baby. They're all comparing notes - "Oh, she rolled over!" and "Oh, she just started on solids!" and "Oh, you look great!" (while I sit there in a maternity shirt, 16 months post partum). I feel so envious of the brand new mommies at times. In fact, one of them had a cute little brunette 6 mo old girl who resembled Sofia quite a bit and I am not going to lie, I was a bit wistful for those days when it was just her and I. It's something that I still struggle with from time to time. I love my boys so much, but boy I sure feel overwhelmed a lot of the time.

We only stayed a few hours as I was just done chasing after them and stressing about the staircase. I kind of felt bad but consider it a victory that we all got out in the first place.

Date Night

So we've had this "date night" planned for months. Going to see a very funny comedienne (Kathy Griffin) at a south bay winery that hosts concerts. We have great seats, it's going to be a gorgeous summer evening, we have the very expensive babysitter lined up for this special occasion...

I looked online last night to refresh my memory as to the location of our seats. Lo and behold the show has been *postponed*. Seriously?? Because I purchased the tix from a craigslist person, I didn't receive an email letting me know this. I was really glad that I happened to look at the website!! I'd of been pretty ticked to get there and find out there was no show.

Long story short, we decided to have a date night anyway. We're doing dinner and a movie, and if my memory is accurate (which is questionable), we haven't had any sort of date night since Sofia was about 3 months old. I think the last movie we saw in a theater was Finding Nemo - that was pre-marriage, pre-kids. (I actually love going to movies and average about 2 movies a month - with girlfriends. DH does not love to go to movies, clearly)

We are planning on seeing Get Smart. Not my first choice, but there is a surprisingly small amount of "good" movies right now (IMO). I'm not big on superheroes type stuff, was defintely in the mood to laugh and I love Steve Carrell, so we'll see.

Tightening up the Ship

So, over the last few months, it seems I've been waking later and later. This is not good. The kids are waking up later, everything gets pushed back, we are always in a mad rush to get out the door, leaving me a stressed out mess with no makeup on. (I've taken to applying my makeup in the car these days).

In sheer frustration, last night I decided to get things back in line. We've been letting Sofia watch Caillou before bed, turn off the TV at 8 p.m. and it's 8:30 or 9 before she falls asleep. It dawned on me that *maybe* this is contributing to her acting out as well, lack of sleep. Granted, sleeping 9 p.m. - 8 a.m. should be enough, but this a girl who loves her some sleep.

Last night, I informed her there would be no pre-bed Caillou (a bad habit started by myself to get her to comply) but I would sit and read her stories. I did this and we had a great time. At 7:30, I told her it was time to go sleepies. She resisted, of course but I'd already made sure her teeth were brushed, she had a sippy of water, all her blankets, etc. and she didn't have any of her stall tactics at her disposal. (of course, there's always the potty card, but she didn't play it.)

She layed happily in her bed and "read" her books. Keep in mind, this is broad daylight as the curtains in our room are sheer. I peeked in around 8 and she was sound asleep with the blanket over her head (she's done this since she was a baby).

Of course, this meant she woke up full of piss and vinegar at 6:30 a.m.!! I didn't mind as I really want to start waking earlier. The boys woke up shortly after, I made everyone eggs and we had plenty of time to lollygag around, take our time and not be stressed out.

That said, I was still late for work. This is so hard for me as in my former life, I prided myself on puncuality. It was my "thing." Those days are a distant memory.

I think I have to either accept being late for work for the rest of my life or change my hours.

Middle age

Sign #1 that Botox is in my near future.

I was playing with Sofia the other day. Actually, attempting to get her to nap while simultaneously napping myself.

We're making each other laugh, being playful, etc. I scrunch up my face and pretend to cry, which always sends her into fits of hysterical laughter. "Don't cry, mommy," she typically says, consoling me by patting my arm slowly.

Not this time. This time, she said "Mommy? Why is your forehead look goofy?"

***

It's no secret that I turned 40 this year and have been disturbed to discover grey hair sprouting up all over my head. Now, this may be due to my recent color change to auburn (the greys are more visible now) or it could be due to age, having 3 under 3 or a combination of all of it. Any way you slice it, I don't like it. Nope. Not one bit.

In an act of sheer vanity, I have decided to go back to being blonde. I have an appt for 3 weeks from now. I suspect the highlights hid my grey, and that's just the way I like it. Ignorance is bliss...

Staycation - All I Ever Wanted

My 10 days "staycation" in a nutshell (in the following order)

- 1 long weekend out of town visiting the IL's
- 4 days of non stop packing and cleaning
- 25 large boxes packed and moved to storage
- 20 bags of garbage for dumping
- 3 piles on the front lawn (storage, garage sale, storage)
- 1 Girl's Night Out with Friends & Vodka (very much needed)
- 1 parade
- 1 4th of July Party with Lots of Food and Kids
- 1 swim lesson
- 1 3rd Birthday Party

I think that about covers it! Honestly, I probably would have preferred to be working in the office than working my butt off at home. I didn't do everything I planned on doing, but tried to stick to my list of tasks. Didn't quite get to our bedroom, but that wasn't a huge priority. It was the closets - oh the closets - that I truly dreaded. I picked out some paint colors and am going to keep at it. I only made a dent (Steve needs to do his part, meaning, the garage) but you have to start somewhere. I am enjoying this new feeling of being pared down, knowing where everything is, it's wonderful. I had been hoping to clean the closets for 2 years now. There was always something holding me back. First my father died, then I got pregnant, then I had 3 under 3.

At this rate, we are looking at listing the house in the fall. Of course, now I am getting nervous. It dawned on me "What if the house sells quickly and we have no where to go?" In all my neurotic scenarios, this is not one that had crossed my mind. I just assumed the house would sit and sit and sit. I guess we'll see. I am going to make sure we're pre-qualified for the price range we need before taking this any further. Our mortgage guy didn't seem to think it would be an issue, but from what I am hearing in my office, the lenders are being hyper anal about everything, sifting through your finances with a fine tooth comb. Fortunately for me, the bulk of my daycare costs are under the table, so we should look pretty good on paper. If we can't qualify - with money in the bank, 401k, equity in our home, minimal debt, & 2 stable jobs with modest income, then we're all going to hell in a handbasket.

Sofia continues to be a rock star with potty training, she goes on her own and doesn't have any accidents. We have, however, decided to drastically reduce her sugar intake as it's contributing to some serious "acting out" lately. Not the only cause, but definitely helping the situation.

The boys are the living embodiment of "toddlers," toddling to and fro, climbing anything within reach. One not so cute thing is their love of throwing food on the floor. David shoots me a mischevious look while simultaneously lowering his hand in preparation for pelting the food. It's very irritating, but I realize it's only a phase, it's only a phase, it's only a phase. The boys are starting to play with each other - rough house - if you will. It's awfully darned cute.

Today is my first day back at work and I'd better get to it.

MIA blogger

Yes, I'm still alive. It's been almost a week since my last blog entry. Yikes.

We were out of town visiting family and since Monday, I've been packing up the house to get it ready for sale in the next few months. I have been literally been working my butt off, leaving me bone tired at the end of the day.

Sofia is testing boundaries all over the place, only adding to my exhaustion. On a more positive note, she's doing great with potty training, is pretty much completely PT'ed, except at night. I am amazed at how well she's taken to it.