7 Quick Takes Friday - Volume I

Got this idea from my friend Pam over at EveryDay Snapshots...

1. First Day of Weight Watchers - 2009

Today I started Weight Watchers and was reminded why I don't like to go to Weight Watchers meetings. Annoying people. There is always a good mix of people at the meetings, mostly women, ranging from the retired couples to the harried middle aged moms (that would be me) to those who have health issues to the occasional young women. And then there are the annoying people. The ones who have so much time on their hands to analyze and question every bit of minutiae of the program, share every second of their journey, not letting anyone get in a word edgewise. Of course, I had unknowingly planted myself next to one of those people (empty seat next to her, I wonder why!) The leader had to tell her, on 3 different occasions, that she's talk to her after the meeting.

Overall, I am excited about moving forward with WW. They have a new program "Momentum" - which as far as I can tell after a brief flipping through the materials -is a mix of the flex program, teaching how to make smart choices and a lot of self help hoopla . I probably should take the self help aspect of the program more seriously, but alas, I don't really have time. Just let me count my points, weigh in and be on my way. I managed to get through my first day without cheating, so that's something.

2. King of the Power Ballad, Dead?

At one point this week, I thought Steve Perrry had died. I heard "Don't Stop Believin'" on the radio 3 times in one day. I was very concerned.

3. Long Workweek

I worked 4 days in a row as my counterpart needed to switch days (I usually do 3 days on, 1.5 off, back for half day) and it was hard. I missed the kids and the house was kind of a mess, despite my new Manny. Anyhoo - it did equate to a 4 day weekend for me, so no complaints now.

4. Moving Forward

Steve and I decided that the best thing to do for now is to move forward with a 2 part job search. He will look here and in the area we are thinking of relocating and I will look there as well. We'll see what happens.

5. Bargains!

I went to the thrift store a few days ago and got some Ugg like boots for Sofia for $5, a real Disneyland sweatshirt with the princesses on it (that probably cost $40-50 new) for $3 and a kick ass Dick and Jane book for Sofia for $1. I will definitely be returning.

6. Teacher Nick, How YOU doin'?

I was off today and able to watch Sofia at her pre-school gymnastics class. As part of Project Divide and Conquer, I brought William with me, leaving David with Daddy to share some bonding time. It was indescribably nice to just hang out in the yard and watch Sofia beam with pride at her little brother. The dynamic is so different when it's 2 kids. I like it. It feels much more manageable. I never go out with all 3 as I'm afraid one (or more) will have a meltdown and I'll lose control. Sofia has been saying she does not like gymnastics. Turns out "Teacher Nick" is a big, loud, 40something guy with an Italia tee shirt (I'm Italian - and admittedly obnoxiously proud about it at times - but let's just say I know the Italia tee shirt type). Definitely not what you'd picture teaching 3 and 4 year olds. He had that Ahole-high-school-gym-teacher-quality about him, was forceful, loud and pushy with them and it didn't seem that fun. I can see how Sofia would find this intimidating. I'm not sure I'll continue with the class after this month.

7. I Can Feel Again

I continue to be so thankful that I'm off Zoloft. I heard a song on the radio today and got goosebumps. It's been a long time since I got goosebumps. I'll probably be curled up in the fetal position at some point next week, but for now, I'm enjoying feeling things again.

January 15, 2004

I don't usually get very emotional about my past losses. Quite honestly, that seems like a thousand years ago. Not to diminish the pain and suffering I went through, because it was profoundly devastating at the time, but I mentally moved on from all that a few years ago, when Sofia was born. It became very clear to me that I was meant to have this gorgeous, amazing daughter & beautiful twins and I would not have had them if I'd had my other babies. I try to stay pretty zen about all of it, but every now and again, I have moments of sadness. It's like a scar where the skin has grown over, to the point of being barely visible, but every once in a while it will itch or sort of puff out.

Today is one of those days.

Today is the 5 year anniversary of my first loss, at 13 weeks. January 15, 2004. It was a turning point in my life, when I realized that bad things can happen - anytime, anywhere. Things obviously worked out for me in the end (3 kids later) but it still was something I will never forget, never stop thinking about (how could a fetus be fine at 12 weeks and be dead 4 days later?), never second guess myself about (was it a girl or boy? was there something wrong with him/her? why didn't I get genetic testing done??)

From my blog entry "How I Got Here."

Then, it happened. I finally got a positive HPT. Due to some early spotting, I was reserved in my exuberance. The first ultrasound was wonderful; the baby measured perfectly and there was a beautiful, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh heartbeat. At 12 weeks, we excitedly went for a nuchal scan and that went swimmingly too. The measurement was ideal and my husband and I walked out of that appointment with a spring in our step. We had made it past the first trimester, things looked good and we would be able to tell people our exciting news. We spent the next week emailing and calling our closest friends and family and word spread quickly.

One week later, I went to my 13 week OB appt and there was no heartbeat. At first, the doctor chalked it up to my being overweight and sent me for an ultrasound. I wasn't very concerned as I was still horribly nauseous, even sitting in the waiting room.

I will never forget the life altering moment when the ultrasound tech got quiet, then reached over, put her hand on my knee and said, "I'm sorry, honey." The week before, all was well and now, my baby was gone. It was literally like being hit by a truck. Being a newbie to the world of pregnancy loss, I didn't push for any genetic testing, so I will never know the gender or exactly was wrong, if anything. This is something that haunts me, to this day.

After having to visit a "special" OB who is licensed to handle 12+ week D&E's, I spent about a week in a Vicodin induced haze, snuggled up with my cats. I eventually returned to work, which became somewhat of a refuge for me. One of the most painful aspects of the experience was that for many months afterward, I was still being congratulated, having to awkwardly explain what had happened. Apparently good news travels fast, but bad news? Not so much. I was so thankful I had not shared the news with most of my co-workers. I threw myself back into my work.

I remember so many people telling me it was meant to be, God works in mysterious ways, it was better to have this happen rather than have a child with a genetic defect. I remember my best friend's reaction at the time. "That was a baby. You lost a baby."

Rest in peace, little one. You are not forgotten.

Pink Princess Phone Pushes Mother Over the Edge

This is the 4th day this week I've worked and I'm tired. I feel like I haven't spent time with the twins in days. I just got my paycheck and forgot I started having Sofia's pre-school tuituion taken out pre-tax and this cannot be undone. There was a big screw up with making a large payment from the wrong account that has taken a week to fix. I'm looking at how much it costs for us to live comfortably and trying to supress the panicky feeling in my stomach.

I swear. I try so hard to keep it together, but sometimes, despite my best efforts, things just sort of implode.

Due to the cutbacks at work, I now have to adhere to a strict schedule (meaning I have to be on time) which means there can be no dilly dallying in the morning. I have to wake at 6:30 a.m., get ready, wake Sofia at 7:00 a.m. (if she's not already awake) and feed her breakfast, get her dressed and out the door by 7:30. We have a half hour commute, then I drop her off at pre-school at 8ish, stop and get Starbucks (not anymore, obviously) and arriving at work around 8:25 a.m.

I go to great lengths to minimize the dilly dallying in the morning by planning ahead. Lunch is made the night before, coffee is set to auto perk at 6 a.m. (yes, I have home coffee and Starbucks, another one of my addictions) Sofia's clothes have been picked out (by her, or so she thinks) the night before, I have her breakfast (oatmeal and yogurt) ready for her when she wakes up, etc. The past 2 days, the morning routine has worked like a finely tuned machine. This morning, not so much.

It was going so well. Honestly, it was. She cooperated when I got her dressed, let me put her hair in pony tails and even allowed me to have some input on what she was wearing. I was feeling confident.

And then all hell broke loose.

We were just about to leave the house. I have purse, Sofia's lunchbag and keys in hand, we're running a few minutes behind and she asks me where her pink princess phone is.

"I'm not sure, sweetie. We need to go," I naively say.

And then, she gets that look. The look that I know will only be reconciled by my finding the pink princess phone, which is god knows where and we're late and I'm stressed.

She starts to cry, as if this pink phone is the most important item in the universe and she will literally shrivel up and die if she does not have it before we leave. I tell her to look in her room, but it's not there. The clock is ticking. Finally, I firmly tell her we need to leave immediately as mommy is going to be late.

This only fuels her rage. She starts to become hysterical and I know this is going to get worse before it gets better.

Finally, I just give up and tell her I'm leaving without her. This makes her scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" in anger, but I start on my way. She follows me out the door and onto our front porch, screaming and crying the entire time. I keep walking to the car and open the door for her. I try bribing her with a trip to Starbucks, but that only makes her more angry. She's not budging from the porch.

I'm mortified as I just know every neighbor within a half mile radius can hear this scene unfolding. I finally just make like I'm getting in the car without her and she comes running. She fights me the entire time - goes rigid when I attempt to put her in the carseat, kicking, flailing, etc - but I am able to snap her into the carseat and leave for work.

The whole episode has me frazzled and deeply upset. As we drive off, I resort to yelling and screaming at her about how she cannot have everything she wants and how angry I am at her and how she cannot do this in the morning and can't bring toys to school anyway,etc. The more I yell, the harder she cries and the worse I feel. I know I am taking out all of my anxiety and worry on her right now, but I don't stop myself.

In the end, she calms down and I tell her I love her and that I was very angry, but should not have yelled, etc. I hate when I lose my temper. I was raised in an angry household and it's something I struggle with every day. I'm at a loss as to how to deal with these situations when there is a time constraint involved. I've planned ahead, tried to foresee any potential delays, etc. but it still isn't enough at times. Don't get me wrong, I am fairly confident about my parenting skills and my ability to juggle a lot of things, but mornings like this deflate my confidence, make me think I am doing everything wrong and that Sofia is going to turn into a damaged, obnoxious little girl and it's all my fault.

And all this because of a stupid, f'ing pink princess phone.

Way Back Wednesday - Seamus & Dr. Phil

Ah, William has come a long way since his garden gnome/Dr. Phil days. I love this picture!! The boys were about 8 weeks old and I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It only got better after that!

Strep and Zoloft

So today’s fun news, nephew has strep. This is the son of my sister in law who is my daycare provider. Fingers crossed that David and I have antibiotics coursing through our veins, shielding us from yet another ugly infection. I don't want to be sick...AGAIN. I have friends who are coming over to visit on Monday who have had to cancel 2 times due to illness. I have a friend in San Francisco who has a 3 month old baby I’ve not seen since she was born due to my kids’ constant illness. I've canceled on her at least 5 times, I have lost count. I feel like telling people "We'll see you in May!"

The kids are home with dad for the duration of the week. He just called to tell me they woke up from their 3 hr nap (sweet!) and what should he feed them. Chicken nuggets and a banana was my suggestion.

The husband and I talked about a lot of things last night; moving to Sacramento (something we had considered for the last 2 years, but then he got this job), moving back to the old house, etc. Given the current depressed job market in the Sacramento area, I’m not sure how realistic this option is, but I think it might make more sense for me to look for a job as I am probably more marketable than him and might be able to find something quicker (my college degree/long job history in real estate industry/administrative background vs. his years as an independent contractor in sales blah blah blah), then hope he can find a job in the area so that I can stay home eventually. Obviously, lots of options are on the table and we're looking at all possibilities.

We could have our house on the market in a few weeks. It's super cute now that we fixed it all up, but we'd probably have to do a few more things if selling it. I'm not sure how much we'd get for it, but probably more than enough to buy a decent house in Sacramento. Just need a job there, so if we're going to go that route, I have to actively start looking.

***

I started the day completely gung ho to attend a Weight Watchers meeting and sign up. I have put this off so many times, I did not want to let the latest developments keep from moving forward with my plans for 2009.

Well, then I forgot to go to the meeting this afternoon. So much for focus!! Truth be told, with the cutbacks at work, I am actually busy for the first time in a long time and it completely slipped my mind. I am going to try and go tomorrow…

I’m really starting to feel better physically as I near the end of the weaning process from Zoloft. I’ve gone for walks 2 times this week with plans on more working out Friday and over the weekend. My goal for the week was to workout 3 times and I think I’ll reach it.

There were many contributing factors to my weight gain - lack of exercise & sleep, constant illness, major stress and eating bags of potato chips in one sitting being the primary ones – but Zoloft played a huge part in the perfect storm. I didn’t even realize what was happening while it was happening. It sounds weird, but I think it affected the pleasure center in my brain, turning it into overdrive, making me throw caution to the wind and allowing all my addictions and impulsive behaviors to take over, food being the primary one with shopping a close second.

When I think back, after I had pneumonia and was placed on Zoloft by the pulmonologist, it was then that my will power started to go off the rails. Don’t get me wrong, Zoloft saved my life, emotionally, but I'm so glad to be off of it. I was living in a brain fog, but given that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown at the time, that was probably a good thing. I don’t think I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown anymore. At least not today. Tomorrow? We’ll have to see.

Just to Be Cheeky

Ok, so trying to think clearly.

Bottom line, my husband may be our daycare provider for the time being. I may have to cut my daughter's pre-school to one day of pre-school per week. Cleaning lady is histoire. I am canceling my hair appt for Monday (even though it kills me). I'll just have to look all skanky with my dark roots or so it myself. My husband has hundreds of classic records that he can sell on Ebay. We need to have a huge garage sale and possibly sell our second tv.

The big issue is our other house. We were just about to put it on the market for rent and now I'm thinking it is sort of serendipitous that we haven't put it on the market as of yet.

I am thinking we'll give it a month, but if it is not looking encouraging for Steve to find a new job soon, we may have to move back. Not to put the cart ahead of the horse, but my mind is just buzzing with ways to save money/make money right now.


******

I forgot to mention something funny and I'm all about the funny right now.

Yesterday, when talking to Green Beret, she asked me if I could try and have the boys dressed differently for their February appointment. I had to laugh as she clearly didn't make a note of their physical appearance when taking her copious notes.

Also, I can count on a few fingers how many times I've ever dressed them alike. It has never felt right to me for some reason. I'll do the same shirt in different color thing, but that's as far as I go.

I am thinking of dressing them alike for the appointment, just to be cheeky.

I Guess the Writing Was on the Wall

As of today, my family became a statistic.

Steve got laid off.

I'm not saying I'm surprised, but it still feels like I got a good one-two in the gut.

I have so many things running through my mind right now, I don't even know where to begin. I need to process this and figure out what we are going to do.