Dessert & Wine Round Table

Last night was divine. My neighbor H. (mom of kids aged 6,5,3 and 1) invited me to attend a local workshop at our library and who am I to pass up an opportunity to get out of the house.

There were about seven of us women, all of us having at least 2 children age 6 and under. We attended the "Positive Discipline" class at the library and then hightailed it over to our local downtown Italian restaurant for dessert and wine.

We sat at a round table, a la "This Week" and all took turns exchanging experiences, anecdotes, advice and laughter. It was so awesome, I think all of us felt a collective bonding occurring and we are going to try and make it a monthly event.

Positive Monday

In light of the fact that I was a complete downer yesterday, I have decided that today's post will only talk about positive things.

(I won't mention that one of the cats shat in my leather boots that I attempted to wear this morning. Fumigation will need to occur before they grace my legs anytime soon. But I won't be talking about that here, today)

I finally entered this decade and have a functional, loaded IPOD. Steve loaded most of my CD's on it, then I downloaded some Britney and Lady Gaga and got in a few good walks this weekend, which always improves my mood. I feel good about that.

On that note, "Sexy Back" is a great song to walk to. I'm just sayin'.

I also feel good that Sofia is getting much better with getting dressed by herself and not always in a horrifying way. Saturday, she put on her tights, leotard and ballet shoes on her own, no small feat. She's also getting much better about picking clothes that actually match.

I feel good about how amazing and sweet William is. He is always wanting to clean. Sofia dropped yogurt on the floor and he was very concerned. Kept saying "Lo lo! Lo lo!" (yogurt) and ran, grabbed wipe and cleaned it himself. He loves to wear all of Sofia's socks, the brighter the better, but primarily the Little Mermaid ones. He *brings* me my shoes or slippers and tries to put them on my feet. When you say "Ni, ni!" He runs into his room and tries to climb in his crib to go to bed or take a nap. I could just eat him up most of the time.

Ok, what else positive? I applied to another city job, hopefully will get called to another exam. It doesn't pay as much as the one before, but more than I make. We'll see. Things are picking up in the office, so it's not as doom and gloom as it was.

Steve has a few lines in the water and we're finally getting the unemployment checks.

What else? What else?

I have Disneyland in April to look forward to and it's already payed for, so don't have to stress on it. Plus I have almost $200 in gift cards to bring with, so I think we're going to be set.

I have Austin in May to look forward to and quite frankly, I cannot wait to see my BFF again. I really, really miss her.

And keeping with my positive theme for today, I'm attending a talk on "Positive Discipline" tonight at the library, then drinks afterwards with a group of women. I'm very much looking forward to it.

Haircuts and Racing Thoughts

Oh yeah, did I mention the boys got haircuts?

I tried a local place and wasn't that impressed, but whaddyagonnado. It's a boy haircut, nothing to get too worked up about. William's hair was quite spastic at first and it appeared uneven, but now that it's had a day to settle, I'm liking it. David's even came out sort of cute. I told her I didn't want the bowl he always ends up with and she used thinning shears to avoid that problem. :)







***

This week's going to be a busy one. My neighbor (the one with 4 under 5) invited me to go with her and a group of ladies to a speaker at the library on "Positive Discipline." I figured I could use a little of that. Things have reached an all time high of tantrums, mommy losing her temper, more tantrums, time outs and over and over we go. We have three things going on this upcoming weekend - a kid birthday party, my sister in law's surprise birthday party and Baby Loves Disco on Sunday. I also have to have "The talk" with my sister in law to tell her we're cutting back on her watching the boys one more day (used to be 4 days, has been 3 days, needs to be zero days, but will be cut back to 2 days for now.) I gave her a head's up this was coming about 6 weeks ago, but I know it's still going to be an unpleasant conversation.

We have property taxes due and I'm trying to to have mini panic attacks. I have yet to start on the Wellbutrin because there was an issue with the way the doctor wrote the Rx (2 times a day vs. 1 time a day) and she's yet to get back to the pharmacy. I haven't pushed it because I was trying to see if I could just get by without it, but it's not looking good. I'm feeling sadder and more fearful by the day. I am having more catastrophic thoughts. I have been having dreams about dropping William in a sewer and not being able to get him out because his head was too large to fit through the sewer grate. And catching him before he fell off a high dresser to serious injury. My latest one is what if something happened to me? Steve has life insurance, but I don't. Then, I start thinking about putting everything in a trust and getting a will and who would we pick and they'd need to keep the kids together and how do we pick XYZ without upsetting ABC and vica versa and my head feels like it's going to explode with all this weighty responsibility. Ugh.

I think back to when I was single and didn't have a pot to piss in. Living paycheck to paycheck. Paying my bills, living on my own, working 7 days a week sometimes to make that happen. I wasn't nearly as freaked out then and I had no reserves to fall back on. But I did have living family and didn't have 3 kids. Now, my father is gone and that security blanket is gone and I'm finding it terrifying.

Time to get that Wellbutrin filled. Ya think?

And Xanax does nothing for me. It's akin to having maybe a glass and a half of wine. I'm sure if I was in full crisis mode, it'd come in handy, but for the most part, it just makes me tired and that doesn't really do me any good.

Jack Sprat's Wife

If there was any doubt that weight loss needs to be one of my top priorities at this point in my life, this lovely piece of artwork by Sofia sealed the deal.

I honestly had no idea what this was, but suspected it was people. I innocently laughed at the figure on the left, asking if it was Daddy. Then, Sofia pointed out who was on the right. Mommy. On the right. The balloon-like-disproportionally larger than Daddy figure. Mommy.

I laughed fairly hard, but inside, I was crying. Just a little. But no sense wallowing in it too much. This is how she sees me, it is what it is and it's up to me to change that.

Manny Alive

So yesterday, my Manny husband took it upon himself to take all 3 kids to the store, to the park and to the beach.



This was sans strollers, just him and him alone. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.



I tend to get a little overly cautious when it comes to the ocean, based primarily because I grew up and live near some of the most gorgeous but treacherous surf in the country (a wind surfer died a few weeks ago at our beach, no lie.) I was not happy about this development.



Thank god I didn't know or I would have had a panic attack. Seriously, the boys are at the age where they don't understand they need to stay on the sidewalk and don't always listen or stay with you. All I kept picturing was one of them breaking off and him being in a terrible predicament. I appreciate his overconfidence, but taking 3 little kids to the beach by yourself is just not safe and I told him so. I made him swear he would not ever, ever, ever take them to the beach alone again.



In any case, looks like they had fun.



ETA: A few people have pointed out that it appears my little William is enjoying a hooka pipe. Rest assured, he's just doing his nebulizer treatment, like a PRO!

That's Me Thursday - Comfort is Paramount

Playing along with "That's Me Thursday" from The Classy Closet.

I need to pick one of the pair of shoes above that is most like me and describe why.

There was a time when I would have been the shiny red pumps. Oh yes. I was all over the Come F Me shoes. Those days are long gone and have been for a while.

So, I would have to say the purple Uggs represent me now. Comfortable and bright but always with a touch of girlie.

Dos Poops

Don't have much to say today, other than the fact that today was much better than yesterday.

I spent almost 3 hours last night listening to David scream and tantrum, presumably from lack of nap. By 8 o clock, I was beyond frazzled and really frustrated.

Today was an improvement. I took the day off, went on a field trip with Sofia's pre-school class and David pooped TWICE. I don't think he's done that since he was a baby, so *thumbs up* Miralax!

Here is a great embaress you when your older shot of David, putting on Sofia's sparkle shoes. He loves her princess Belle ones as well, but haven't captured that on film yet. Note the way he's holding the phone as well. I almost always am on speakerphone, so he has adopted a sort of scream into the receiver mode of talking of the phone. Yet another reminder of "you are on stage."



And William, looking eerily like Sofia with a bow in his hair.

Dr. Doom & Dr. Fine

So, we have two doctors. The reason for this? Our primary pediatrician is in San Francisco, 45 minutes away from us. During the first year of the twins' life, we went through some incredibly scary medical issues with William and he was there for all of it, supporting us, helping us navigate some often troublesome waters. For that reason, he remains our primary pediatrician for all well checks and serious illnesses. He is an older gentleman, father of 3 children under 3 himself and overall, a wonderful physician. That said, he's old school, pro-vax and no nonsense. He doesn't get worked up by much and has sort a great outlook. I know when he seems concerned about something (as was the case with William) that there probably is something to be worried about.

Sometimes he is a little too nonchalant, but for the most part, I respect his opinion greatly. I call him "Dr. Fine" as in everything is going to be fine.

For the ever so frequent minor illnesses, we visit a local pediatrican's office. He is a pleasant enough man in his 40's who is very nerdy and logical. I like to call him "Dr. Doom" as he tends to be a little too quick to jump to worrisome diagnoses. He carries a laptop with him at all times in which he types copious notes as I speak (or at least that is what I think he's doing, he could be writing emails for all I know.)

Yesterday, Dr. Doom pronounced Sofia to have "walking pneumonia." I'm not exactly sure I agree with his diagnosis, but he is the doctor, so she's on an antibiotic, an oral steroid and obviously, continuing with the nebulizer treatments. Having had asthma my entire life, plus pneumonina, bronchitis, etc. and a card carrying graduate of Dr. Google, I tend to think it's more likely she has bronchitis, but again - I'm not the one with the stethoscope and he is the doctor.

He also said she was the "happiest" sick kid he's ever seen. On that, he was spot on.

Oh Yes, He Pooped

This is the face of a very backed up little boy.

Saturday brought day 5 of no poop and this was an expression that he presented more often than not, understandably. This weekend’s main goal was to get David to poop. It’s good to have goals.

Ever since David turned one, we've had hard-core constipation issues (no pun intended).

At the 18 mo well check, my pedi poo-pooed my concern (pun intended) and so, it's something we've been dealing with for a while. It seems to be getting worse.

I’ll admit, David is a dairy freak. We have cut back significantly on his dairy intake, but the constipation is still occurring every time he has to move his bowels.

This weekend, we gave him Miralax, pears and I made Fiber One muffins laced with pears and prunes. I also gave him apple juice laced with prune juice.

I was going to get this kid to poop if it was the lastthing I did. The only problem was that of course, Sofia and William also wanted the - what will forever be known as - the “Poop Muffins” too. In fact, they loved them and wanted two and three. I cut Sofia off at one, but let William have a few. I let David eat as many as he would like, within reason.

You can imagine what how the latter part of the weekend went down.

Suffice it to say, David pooped. Oh yes, he pooped. And pooped. And pooped.

As did William, who does not have bowel issues. Our house was fairly offensive by 3 p.m. Sunday, but those pipes were cleared out!

Post Poop Joy!



***

More on the household front…

No word from the promising job for husband…He does have an interview/seminar thing he’s attending tomorrow. It’s probably not something he’d be interested in, but he’s going because…well, it’s not like he has anything else to do.

After blowing up at him over the state of the house last week (I had been gone for 12 hours and the house was a sty - on a day when he did not have the kids) I came home to a spotless house Wednesday evening. It was trashed within about 45 minutes, but it was nice to come home to.

And at the risk of sounding like some crazy Joan Crawford/Kate Gosselin hybrid shrew, my husband really sucks at doing laundry. I found a load my work clothes mixed in with towels and kid’s socks and underwear. For the love of all that is holy. Deep breaths.

He kept telling me that the boys’ dresser was overfull. I looked in to find pajama tops mixed in with regular tee shirts (gasp), collared shirts in the drawer (that should have been hung up) and just all sorts of laundry related crazy-making.

The cherry on the cake of my day was finding little fuzzy toddler socks in my tights.

I know he’s trying, but I may have to make him a laundry cheat sheet. I’m really not anal,
even though I know I sound like it.

I think we are on the right track with unemployment and Cobra, but I won’t hold my breath. I have an appointment with WIC in a few weeks. We definitely qualify income wise right now, but beyond that, it gets a bit fuzzy.

That’s it from here.

P.S. Oh yeah, Sofia has been having breathing issues since yesterday, so we're slated to visit the pediatrician this afternoon. Nebulizer treatments are not effective, so I suspect bronchitis.

My Blog - a.k.a. Me

Cheryl at Twinfatuation got me thinking about my blog's personality type. After some pondering, I was able to come up with 4 adjectives to describe my blog's personality. I had to laugh as they are the same adjectives I'd use to describe my personality. Funny how that works.



They are:



Reflective. Reliable. Rational. Real.



(although "rational" might currently be a stretch, it's accurate most of the time)

Another Fabulous Day Off

I'm wiped, but feel compelled to post.

Yesterday, received a call from Sofia's pre-school that she had "spit up" and possibly had a fever. There was some dispute over this, but the Director said she looked pale (as is her skin tone) and felt clammy. I left work to pick her up and within a half hour, she was singing songs in her carseat, then frolicking outside as if she had not a care in the world. I'd say someone is figuring out to how to manipulate certain situations (for lack of a better word) and get Mommy to come to school, ASAP.

Once again, the boys were complete bears today. We went to playgroup and had to leave after about 45 minutes. Between David screeching and tantruming for some unbeknownst reason and both of them wanting to explore the person's house, I was done. I think my boys are beginning to attain a certain "reputation" amongst their peer group and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

This afternoon, I made it to my primary doc for a much postponed physical. We're doing some blood work to check my insulin levels and both agreed that all things considered, I may not have picked the best time to wean from Zoloft. I'm starting on Wellbutrin tomorrow.

That's it from here.

Missed it By a Hair

So, I didn't make it to the next level. Passing point to be invited on was 82%, I got 80%. It sucks to get that close, but in all reality, it was probably more than I could take on and whatever is meant to be is meant to be.

This doesn't mean I'm not disappointed - I am - I had a good cry and am trying not to let it eat at me - but just have to keep moving forward and be happy I'm still currently employed. (knock on wood)

And today is 80's day at Sofia's pre-school. This meant she got to wear a dress, leggings, leg warmers and jellies to school. Needless to say, Sofia was a happy camper this morning.

Where's my Steno Pad?

So, whew, the test is over.

It wasn't too painful. I wouldn't say it was easy by any stretch, but there was no complicated accounting questions, so that was a bonus.

There was a Scan-tron and a #2 pencil involved. Let's just say it's been many a moon since I filled in a Scan-tron.

I was led into a large boardroom that housed about 50 people, mostly women, mostly over 40. I was one of the youngest there, so not sure how to feel about that.

The test was divided into 3 parts: Following Instructions, basic secretarial questions and then proofreading.

The first part was probably the hardest. The proctor played an audio recording where the person was dictating complicated, detailed instructions about inter office procedures, policies, etcetera for which we needed to take accurate notes in order to answer the first part of the test. It involved different color codes for filing, ordering, account numbers, procedures, mail and so on. I felt like getting out a steno pad. I don't have, nor have I ever had, a steno pad, but it seems like it would have come in handy at that moment.

The basic secretarial/customer service section was challenging as well. Most of it was situational questions and how to best handle any given scenario. I hope that I answered correctly after so many years of customer service and assisting, but you never can tell.

The proofreading section was my favorite part.

I will just say that I don't test well, so I'm not sure what to expect. From what I understand, they are taking the top scorers of the test (not sure if that's top 10 or 20) and taking them to the next level, the oral exam with a panel.

I should know something by tomorrow afternoon.

Going there did make me more comfortable with the idea of this whole new job, seeing the building and those who work there. Fear of the unknown is the worst part of all of it. Looking at my competition made me want it even more. I'm not overtly competitive, but there were moments...

I'm kind of zen about it at this point. I am completely freaked out about a large life change, but in all actuality, I need this job. If I got this job, there is a possibility that my husband could stay home with the kids right now while I work. It's not my perfect scenario, but right now, I feel like we are bleeding money and that course can't continue.

There is still the possibility that Steve will get this job he's been interviewing for, so if he does get it, that may complicated things. I'm not sure I want my kids in full time day care. But I'll cross that bridge should I come to it.

If I don't get it, I will continue to keep my eye on the county jobs. I come from a long line of civil servants - my grandfather was the Chief of Police, my father and brother are/were city employees and I feel like this just makes sense for me. The benefits and retirement plan are also quite attractive.

We'll see what happens. Please keep a good thought.

Drowning

(After reading this, I feel compelled to go back and mention that I am fairly certain I'm PMSing today. That said...)

This past weekend was rough.

Outside of naps or when I was away from home, there was not a 5 minute time period that went by in which one of my children was not crying, whining, complaining or tantruming. It was pretty awful and tested my patience and ability to hold it together and parent calmly in the midst of chaos.

David was regularly emitting a sound that can only be described as a nasally wail, akin to nails on the chalkboard, for most of the weekend.

Sofia was repeatedly defiant and downright bratty for much of the weekend. I had hoped that by having her home an additional day would help, giving her more time with me, but she seems to be getting worse! At one point yesterday, in the midst of birthday festivities and surrounded by friends and family, she repeatedly ignored my request for her to behave. I finally took her into my bedroom and closed the door. She proceeded to tantrum like she never has before, repeatedly hitting me. It took every bit of patience and sensibility within me to not react. I remained calm, grabbed her hands to stop her each time and trying to use a calm, reasonable voice. After about 10 minutes, more kicking and crying, she finally calmed down enough to let me hold her, calm her down and then we came out together.

Moments like this make me feel like a complete failure, like she is just feeding off all of the stress I'm feeling in my life and projecting it back to me and that I've created a spoiled monster. She is getting increasingly difficult to handle and I feel like we need to stop it before it gets out of hand, but haven't the foggiest idea what to do with my little Taurus. We've tried avoidance, rewards, making sure she gets enough sleep, food, attention, etc. Do I chalk it up to being 3, bear down and hope it's just a phase?

On top of that, I'm quite nervous about this exam I have to take later today and a full week that requires me to be present, mentally. I look at what is required for this job and I think - who am I kidding? Even if for some crazy reason I pass all these tests and am offered this job, on what planet would I be able to handle such a high profile, high stress full time position such as this? I am holding on by a thread with my low stress 30 hour a week job. I'm so confused right now. I'm just going to take it one day at a time, but honestly, I feel like I'm drowning.

Playdate Birthday

Today, I hosted a playdate birthday celebration for the twins. Their birthday is not until Sunday, when we'll have small, family gathering. I tried to keep it simple, but of course, at ten minutes before it started, I was cursing myself for ever trying to do such a thing as I was surrounded by clingy kids and attempting to decorate and frost cupcakes. David was whiny hiney and Steve had to leave to do some last minute stuff with our house (tenants move in Sunday.) All in all, we had about 6 two year olds, plus the boys, plus Sofia was home, so you can imagine the level of chaos. Good chaos, though.



I love this card one of the mom's made. She's so cool, a filmmaker/photog from L.A. who also has written a children's book. I think she captured "the brothers" quite well, dontcha think?

Playdate Birfday

Today, I hosted a playdate birthday celebration for the twins. Their birthday is not until Sunday, when we'll have small, family gathering. I tried to keep it simple, but of course, at ten minutes before it started, I was cursing myself for ever trying to do such a thing as I was surrounded by clingy kids and attempting to decorate and frost cupcakes. David was whiny hiney and Steve had to leave to do some last minute stuff with our house (tenants move in Sunday.) All in all, we had about 6 two year olds, plus the boys, plus Sofia was home, so you can imagine the level of chaos. Good chaos, though.



I love this card one of the mom's made. She's so cool, a filmmaker/photog from L.A. who also has written a children's book. I think she captured "the brothers" quite well, dontcha think?

Conversations with Sofia -- Disneyland Dreams & Cat Dissing

On Wednesdays, Sofia commutes in with me as I drop her off at pre-school. These drives have been fertile ground for lots of interesting conversations, to say the least.

She has no idea that her birthday present (and mine) is a 2-day Mommy & Sofia trip to Disneyland. We have annual passes, the flight was free for Sofia and I get the cost of a park ticket refunded to me as it’s my birthday. Also, this non-refundable package was purchased before my husband’s change in employment status. Oops, oh well. Non-refundable.

I have been trying to think of a way to surprise her with the trip as a present at her birthday party in April. Yesterday, I bought an Ariel bathing suit at Costco. I thought it would be cute to give her the bathing suit as a present and somehow tie it in with telling her she’ll be wearing the suit at Disneyland...Not sure how to connect the two in a way her 4 yr old mind can grasp, so everyone in the blogisphere, I’m so open to suggestions!

This morning, she tells me she had a dream that she was swimming at Disneyland and would really, really, like to go swimming at Disneyland. I almost fell over. She announced that she would like to “Go live at Disneyland for a few days.” We might be able to arrange that, I secretly laughed. (I honestly don’t think she has overheard anything.) Of course, she also dreamt that her best friend was there with us, which has been the case in the past, but won’t be for the upcoming trip, so hopefully that won’t be a huge expectation/disappointment for her.

On other topics…Sofia told me she wanted to go to the pet store and buy a dog.

I told her we have CATS, not dogs, but maybe some day.

She told me she likes dogs better than cats and when our cats “go away,” can we get a dog?

Aside from the fact that she is wishing for our cats' demise, I had to laugh. I know she doesn't really want them to go away, but wants to have a whole menagerie of pets. As much as I love dogs (and I do love them, but love cats a little more), I assured her we would not be getting a dog anytime soon. In all seriousness, tending to a dog would be the final crack that breaks me.

Welcome to My Life!

So, it's been a while since I posted.

Life has been a bit hectic in our household.

Overview of the past 6 weeks.

We rented WatermXXXX (our little house in Belmont). We were able to negotiate a 6 month lease, which was what we wanted. It rented within one week, so *whew* one less thing to worry about.

The boys did not qualify for speech therapy. The have a "mild delay" and would need to have a "moderate" delay to qualify for Early Start. I'm not sure I agree with the assessment, but they did say to call back in a few months if the boys don't progress.

Life with 2 two year old is getting considerably more difficult every day. I had been saying that Sofia was more difficult. Now, the boys are giving me a run for my money. The level of neediness has reached a critical mass. Many times, I find myself saying "I'm not having fun." That said, no one ever said it would be fun...


The boys -- always into something!




Sofia is turning into a little girl more and more. She likes to pick out her own clothes and shoes, which is at times, cute, other times, incredibly frustrating. It's kind of bittersweet, this transition. Her 4th birthday is approaching fast and we're all systems go to have Ariel make an appearance at the party. I am going to surprise her with the trip to Disneyland as her gift. I am not sure if she'll "get it" and thought about not telling her we were going until the day we leave (a few days after her birthday party) but can't resist presenting this to her that day, since, after all, it is her present.


Sofia and one of her "get ups"



The boys turn 2 this Sunday and we have a few small events scheduled to recognize the day. I can't even begin to wrap my head around the fact that those cute little babies of mine are toddlers. Pretty soon, they'll be little boys and talking back and being boys and all that goes with it. Something to look forward to. After months of William being dominant, David has taken the reigns and is now a little dictator. It's interesting to watch.

The inmates, running the asylum!



And the sickies, always the sickies...

Since I wrote last, we've had a few illnesses, 3 ear infections and I'm on my second round of antibiotics for a sinus infection...AND...I feel like I'm getting sick again.

Welcome to my life!

Maybe I'm Not a Total Loser?

So a ray of hope?

I received an invitation to attend the written exam for one of the jobs I applied for. It was one of the better jobs, Executive Assistant to Superintendant for the County Office of Education.

This was one of the jobs that required an extensive questionnaire accompanying the application. It's a state job. It pays a lot more than I make now with ridiculously perky bennies.

I'm excited, relieved I am not a total loser after all and of course, NERVOUS AS HELL!!!

It's got me all a toot and a flutter, to the point of forgetting to be nervous for the husband and his big interview today!

(It's also full time, which would take me away from the boys, but I can't go there right now)

***

And how 'bout that last minute addition to the cast of Dancing with the Stars? What a marketing coup for ABC, eh? I predict, Melissa will be America's Sweetheart!

I was like "YOU GO, GIRL!" Team Melissa here. Take that Molly & Jason! Melissa's will rule the world!

Lil Kim did better than expected, Denise Richards kind of sucked (despite my pulling for her -- tall, gorgeous, long limbed woman don't typically do very well) and boy did Steve-O clean up his act!

Monday, Monday

I wish I had more to say. It's Monday. On Monday, I go to work. With that, I get the chance to get away and have some time to myself. By 3 p.m., I am missing my boys (and girl) again.

Work is what you might imagine. Quiet. Everyone on edge. Tension in the air. People making small talk, trying desperately to find something else to discuss other than the state of the world. The Bachelor was good for that. The new distraction will be tonight's premiere of Dancing with the Stars, I suspect. Works for me. Nothing like big hair and sequins to drag you out of the gloomies.

A busy week. The tenants are moving in to our house over the weekend. The boys' birthday is also next weekend, so I'm hosting a little playgroup for them on Thursday. Trying to stay positive, think things are going to be ok and keep things in perspective.

The husband has his interview tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed.

Eye of the Storm

I am not having fun. That sounds so self absorbed and pathetic, but it's the only way to make light of the way of I have been feeling, just completely overwhelmed.

I found out some information about my company on Friday that has added to my overall anxiety level. I will just say that it was not good.

The boys are driving.me.f'ing.crazy. The level of activity and neediness continues to escalate. Combine this with my constant worry about the future and I find myself in a perpetually bad mood. I am repeatedly snapping at the kids, frustrated withe the chaos of the house and all that needs to be done but never able to be done.

I should be cleaning right now, while they nap, but I'm not. I just don't even know where to begin. I go to these people's houses and they are so clean, so organized. I am left scratching my head and thinking "What am I doing wrong?" My house never looks like that, even when the cleaning lady was coming. We need to have a major garage sale, but it would take me a week off work, sans kids, to prepare. Not going to happen.

I am just not able to shake this feeling.

I am currently watching Glen Beck and the topic is "How to Have Hope During these Depressing Times..." (our tv goes back and forth between FOX and MSNBC/CNN in our house, it's only fair.) I think I had better watch this...

He thinks this experience is going to be a great time for families. Joining together, going through strife, cutting through the bull and being a family, bringing us closer. In a way, I think he is right, it's just hard to see or appreciate that when you are in the eye of the storm.

7 Quick Takes Friday - 3/6/09

1. Steve has a 3rd interview with this company next week. I don’t want to jinx it, so just keep a good thought!!

2. I’m really not enjoying having 2 two-year-old boys right now. The level of activity, neediness and whining is just incredibly difficult. Nothing will ever be as challenging as the twins’ first month, but this is running a close second. Sofia would watch television or play with toys at this age. They want none of that. They want me, me and only me. Or the opportunity to jump off the couch and dance on tables. There is no in between.

3. I’m secretly sort of freaking out that I got no bites from my job search. Not one. Not a single, solitary one. I feel like a big, fat loser, truth be told. It’s not good. I know my company’s business is significantly down and I’m hanging on by a thread to a job, so to have no bites at all on my resume is not only disheartening, but also scary. I’ve said it before; I’ll say it again. I do not like being a hunter/gatherer.

4. If my boss has to sell our house, she may give us the option to her 3BR/2.5 BA townhouse (the one that is on the market and not selling.) A 3 level townhouse? At first glance, not exactly a great fit for a family with 3 small children. At second glance, it’s a lot bigger than the house we live in and has all hardwood floors. I’m trying to wrap my head around the possibility, as it may become a reality. It’s walking distance to downtown, but not walking distance to the beach, as we are now.

5. I’m now on doxycycline after discontinuing the augmentin. I’ve been feeling a lot of muscle pain and headaches since starting it. Come to find out, the side effects of doxy are headaches and muscle pain! I think the sinus issue may be improving, but kind of hard to tell with the side effects clouding the issue. I shudder to think at the havoc all these meds are wreaking on my liver. On the brighter side, it’s given my skin the glow of a 30 year old!

6. We have another busy weekend planned, but looking forward to most of it. I hope the boys can take the neediness down a notch, but I’m not holding my breath.

7. I’m really happy with all the connections I’m making on the coast. I hope we can find a way to stay there.

Long Week. So Tired. Fluff Here.

Super tired. Party tonight, a lot of fun. I am not an extrovert by nature, so it just saps me completely to be social. Between the meeting, playgroup today and the party this evening, I've had to be social a lot this week, so I am ready to hibernate now.

I love this photo of the boys that I took today. It is sooooo them. Double Trouble!

Mom is 24 and Loves Climbing On Rainbows

Copy this note, ask your kid the questions and write them down exactly how they respond. Tag me back if you haven't done this, I'd love to hear the answers.

1. What is something mom always says to you?
She loves me

2. What makes mom happy?
Being good and being nice to mom

3. What makes mom sad?
When I don't eat all of my dinner

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
When you're happy

5. What was your mom like as a child?
What else? (she would like to skip this one)

6. How old is your mom?
24 (I LOVE THIS GIRL!)

7. How tall is your mom?
Bigger than daddy (exsqueeze me?)

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Clean up the toys and mop the floor (Well, of course she would think that)

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Climb on a rainbow

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
Spitting milk in the garbage can

11. What is your mom really good at?
Throwing up (I think I threw up in front of her once. She still references it daily. I think I scarred her for life)

12. What is your mom not very good at?
Skip

13. What does your mom do for her job?
Play with Patty. You're a goofball!

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
Meatloaf (she's not too far off the mark here)

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
Making her bed

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
The Banana Splits

17. What do you and your mom do together?
Go to the playground and kiss people (yeah, no idea)

18. How are you and your mom the same?
The same colors

19. How are you and your mom different?
You and David and Mango have the same (hair - that is. Mango is our orange cat)

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
Cause I tell you hot potato hot potato with your heart

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
To the movie! To the park (scary how dead on she is here)

Way Back When-esday -- Dr. Phil & Patches

Dateline: May 2007 - the boys were 8 weeks old

I remember this was when we were starting to come out of the awfulness. I was beginning to see a glimmer of hope in the sea of despair that had been the twins' first month or so. I was beginning to have fun and enjoy my boys. With the exception of a few moments, it just got better after that and continues to do so.

William was sporting a serious Dr. Phil hairline and David (left) had major excema on his face. That is what I remember most. The scaly patches and trying to get rid of them. Poor little fella. He definitely inherited my Celtic sensitivities. You can see it on his forehead, if you look really close. I remember the only thing really working to eliminate it was Aquaphor.

Rainbows & Otarynologists

So, I drove 45 minutes to San Francisco yesterday, only to be informed that I was not on the schedule. SAY WHAT? At first, I was angry, then I almost resorted to tears. My plans of making a scene to get in to see the doctor were nuked when they informed me that the doctor was heading into surgery. I begrudgingly accepted an appointment today. If I drive 45 minutes to San Francisco in the rain to have them turn me away yet again, I may go postal. I'm just sayin'.

I'm trying to stay positive, but honestly, still reeling from last night's Bachelor finale. I don't want to ruin it for anyone who may not have watched yet, but wow. WOW. I had read the entire finale ending online, but wasn't sure if it was accurate. It sure was accurate, to the most minute detail. Ok, I won't say any more until I know people have watched it.

How can I *not* be positive today, when I see a full-on rainbow on my way to work???