Mommy's So Vain

So, I think last week was the least I have blogged since I have started blogging. For shame! I wasn’t feeling quite myself for the most part. Stressed about money (of course), the future (natch) and the next couple of weeks. Sofia’s birthday party is Saturday (last count, 18 kids, 20 adults) and then a few days later, the surprise Disneyland trip for Sofia and I. (I can’t afford any of this, by the way, but the wheels are already set in motion, so off we go! Fortunately, the Disney trip was already paid for before the job loss, so I'm not too worried about that. The birthday party, on the other hand, is snowballing into wayyyyyy more than I intended.) So, if I’m MIA for a few days, you will know that I am just busy, not giving up on blogging.

First things first. The Wellbutrin seemed to be aggravating my anxiety and I called my doctor in a panic last week, seeking her thoughts on how long I should stick it out before switching back to Zoloft or another med. She talked me down off the ledge, encouraged me to use Klonopin or Xanax when I need to (I do, typically before bed, not in the middle of a work day or SAHM day when I have to be hyper functional) and we both agreed another 10 days of trial would be prudent before giving up on it completely.

Well.

I had noticed that my tummy was getting giggly and thought Hmmmmm. (After having 3 babies in 2 years, 2 of which equaled 13 lbs, I have excessive belly fat. When it deflates a a bit, we call it twin skin.) In any case, my stomach was now becoming less bloated and more saggy and twin skin like. Lovely conversation, I know. In any case, I decided to get on the scale and discovered that I had indeed lost about 10 lbs since the last time I’d weighted myself. Granted, I’ve been walking about 4 days a week, but I haven’t curtailed my eating and drinking too much. Seeing the scale was enough to boost my spirits 20 fold. I decided right then and there that I would continue to take the Wellbutrin if this was the side effect. What’s a minor panic attack once in a while if it equates to weight loss? (I’m kidding. Well, sort of)

Today, one of the most cattiest agents (Teacher Tom) told me my skin looked nice. To a just-about-to-turn-41-year-old-woman, that is the highest compliment you can bestow. And from a gay man? Please, he made my whole week. Thank you, Neutrogena fake tanner. And is it conceited to say that I’ve been having some unprecedented great hair days the past week? Don't answer that.

An unexpected weight loss, skin looking good and some great hair days? Things are looking up!! I am soooooooooooooooooooooo vain. Carly Simon wrote that song about me.

Now, life on the discipline with the kids front is not as hopeful, but I’ll save that for another post.

Not No Way, Not No How

So apparently, the prospect of strawberry milkshake for breakfast was enough to keep the Fee Fi Fo Monster at bay...for now.

Ok, so I had an epiphany.

Since I had the boys, after the bout with pneumonia when I lost 30 lbs in a few weeks, I have gained about 40 lbs. I could not afford to gain 40 lbs - not no way, not no how - and I'm currently larger than I have ever been.

It's really affecting me, in every way imaginable, from getting breathless to being tired to clothes not fitting to feeling bloated. I could go on. I don't like to shop at Lane Bryant. I used to shop at Ann Taylor and the Gap and all the fun stores. With few exceptions, most of the plus size clothes are just hideous. I hate getting dressed in the morning. I don't recognize my reflection. I've stopped even trying to suck in my perma-twin-skin.

Honestly, I really didn't drastically change my eating habits. I am definitely more sedentary now, but not any more than when I was pregnant with the twins and even then, I gained 25 lbs over time. So, it finally clicked that it might be the Zoloft. Bingo. I'm not sure why that didn't occur to me before? I've taken other SSRI's with the same result (though not this much). It all makes sense as I started on 50 mg when I had the boys and it was only when I increased it to 100 mg late last year that I saw my weight start to balloon.

Long story short, I am now in the process of attempting to wean off of it. It's a slow process, cutting the dose in half, then a quarter, etc.

I just can't live a day longer feeling this way, not no way, not no how! I'm nervous about the med change, but I think it's time to move on and shed the darkness of 2007 like an old, shriveled skin.

(Despite my $hit talking about Lane Bryant, I did visit their local store today and picked up a few things. Imagine my surprise when I saw this banner ad on Facebook, featuring one of the blouses I picked up!)

Way Back Thursday

Ok, so over at Twinfatuation, they have "Way back Wednesday." I'm a day late and a dollar short on this one, but was perusing old pics (going to have my hair colored today and wanted to show her a pic of how I liked it) and stumbled across this pic from when I was 22 weeks with the twins.

What is frightening to me is that I currently weigh about 20 lbs more than I did here. What's wrong with that picture?

So here's my "Way Back Thursday."

It costs a lot to have young hair

So I decided a few weeks ago that I needed to go back to some semblance of blonde. I was born, natural color is dirty blonde, but I have played with some version of blonde since age 13 (from Sun-In to Frost and Tip and full head bleach) and colored it auburn last October in an attempt to try a change, something easier to maintain.

I loved it at first, but I noticed that much of my grey was showing, whereas before it hadn't been. Ignorance is bliss...So yesterday, I visited my shi-shi salon and spent $230 to get highlights, lowlights and cut. It's not really blonde, but sort of reddish with blondish highlights, which is what I expected. It's going to be a process and next time, I'll be more blonde and so on. Of course, when I asked Sofia if she liked it, she said "Yes!" When I asked her what color it was, she said "Orange." Not exactly the answer I was looking for.

The worst part was my stylist insinuating that the darker hair made me look older. *Gulp* I was like, "Get me back to blonde, pronto!!" That was the first time someone even mentioned anything in relation to my looks and age and it was not a nice feeling. Oh wait, I take that back. A few weeks ago, Dianna's sister (who works in a natural food store) gave me some moisturizer she recommends. I take it that was also a little sign.

But I digress...back at the salon, I watched one of their master cutters working on a cut, the severe A line bob where it's much longer in the front and stacked in the back with fascination. I was never great at cutting and marvel at those who are. Color and finished style was my thing. I have contemplated getting that cut several times in the last few months and am still thinking about it. I guess I am worried that I'm too fat to pull off that cut, but then I see stylish overweight women with it and looking pretty cute. I don't know, we'll see if I have the nerve.

Now that I have a more sunny look, I feel totally pale. I used some self tanner and am taking a moment to sit in the sun right now (skin damage be damned). Clothes are drying, banana muffins just taken out of the oven, Sofia at swim lessons and the boys sleeping...Good times.